So, I’m sitting in a coffee shop in the part of Hong Kong where all the white people go to live together (because heaven forbid they go a day without being heard and understood loudly).

1) My coffee was £4.

2) There is a sign on the wall explaining why it’s tepid.

3) There’s some kind of documentary looping on the TV of a “Latte Art” competition (a panel of judges are rating the milk/coffee pattern-making efforts of a bunch of people with ridiculous clothes on).

Hong Kong is such a magnificent place.

Why do my people have to drag their horrendous antics over here?

Oliver’s Super Sandwiches, Festival Walk (Kowloon Tong)


Once again, a remarkable performance from OSS Festival Walk.

I haven’t much to say about this… I ate it all up.

I’d like to take this opportunity to mention OSS’s fine, fine system.

You walk in, see a menu of numbered items, remember the number, approach the counter, state the number (mentioning combo item choice of salad or whatever where appropriate), beep your octopus (not a euphemism) and go and sit down in any available space.

Table-sharing is mandatory. As an Englishman I expected this to be a loathsome experience! Quite the contrary! It creates a wonderful friendly atmosphere. We are “all in it together”.

“It” being a cafe where delicious, inexpensive food is served.

Seconds later your food arrives. It’s hot, precisely resembles the diagram from which it was selected, and all that remains is to scoff that delicious bitch.

Having devoured this fine fare, pausing only to reflect on its crazy price (lunch and coffee will set you back a relaxed $50ish (£4)) you feel it’s time to relinquish your seat to another devotee.

On leaving, you realise it’s only about 12 minutes since you went in. Unbelievable.


PS: I know I delivered a “double bracket” in the penultimate paragraph, and I just don’t care.

Oliver’s Super Sandwiches – PolyU Campus


Hong Kong’s chain restaurants don’t really obsess about consistency like UK ones.

This OSS is a mixture of great and shitty features.

MAJOR PRO: $22 (£1.70) for breakfast with coffee.

PRO: Free, fast Wi-Fi (if you know someone who works/studies on campus).

CONS: No bacon
Coffee cup too full (auto-spillage)
Paper cups
Plastic knives and forks
Literally no seats in the whole place without screen glare
Food not delivered to the table
Seats too low for the table

The latter point combines with the plastic cutlery to lend a “child at the grown-ups table” feel.

Of course, failing to love OSS is failing to love life, but this one is a decidedly average iteration saved only by its tremendous pricing and magic internets.

The standard OSS is characterised by its relentless pace and amazingly consistent standards, and this one is too empty and quiet, losing atmosphere in the process, but also resulting in a lacklustre performance from the staff.

To be fair, the paper cups do keep the coffee warmer than a regular OSS thick, freezing porcelain cup, and of course, any University campus has its share of hot teen bitches to enjoy.

OMG I AM JOKING! As with any university campus, the presence of young Americans is devastating to any feeling of serenity. About this I am most certainly not joking.


NB: Any decent Englishman may note that having coffee with breakfast is an absurd disgrace. However, in HK one is often served “tea” in the form of a strange liquid containing condensed milk resulting in a conversation with which I cannot always be fucked.

For Professional Player Only


While I am a bit disappointed that this city isn’t awash with crazy video games, there’s little bits of evidence that it’s in the blood more than in the UK.

While the folks back home count frame rates and polygons, these people are looking for ways to make the small things a little better.